Not all that Glitters is Gold

As I sit here 7 months later, all I can think is “what the actual fuck were you thinking?”

We broke up.  And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I was blind.  That’s all there is to it.  Completely blind to this thing I called a relationship.  Obviously it didn’t end up well, and this is the first time I’m opening up about it publicly.  As some might already know, I was dating a guy that I thought was my life.  Turns out, he will put his hands on a woman, call her vulgar names, and he will leave you.  That’s all there is to it.

I can’t even begin to comprehend how one becomes so blind.  I guess it’s just the fact of “love” that you think is being given to you.  That relationship was the most toxic, emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive relationships I have ever been in.  I’m not talking drunken fights.  I’m talking this man will get in your mother’s face, call her a cunt, physically harm your sister, and most likely cheat on your ass as well.  I’m not saying I won’t trust another guy, but it has taken some time.

Weirdest thing?  It was the easiest relationship to get over.  I’ve been over it since he called my mother a cunt.  Not to mention, I can now say that I survived attempted rape.  Which isn’t that what everyone strives for?

During this eye opening last 7 months of living with my family and enjoying life, I have decided to focus on my personal anxieties.  I have been diagnosed with severe Panic Disorder, as well as a mild form of depression to accompany.  I went from working on a disgusting relationship to working part-time at a flower warehouse as a bouquet maker.  It makes me feel good to know that he is 200 miles away from me and the ones that I actually love.

Now, lets get to the good stuff: New boy?

Well, you could say that.  My high school sweetheart decided to pop back into my life not too long ago.  This was due to me drunkenly “accidentally” texting him one night (hey, we’ve all been there).  The reason we quit dating was because he was just not in the right place of mind for a relationship, and either was I.  I don’t wanna give away any names, so for now, we’ll just call him Mr. X.

Mr. X was always my true love.  That man makes my heart race.  I have always told myself that I would drop anything I was doing to spend time or be with him again.  X is sweet, romantic, caring, kind, and everything that I could see from 2006 plus some!  Anyways, we decided to chill the other week, not knowing how awkward it was going to be.

As my palms sweated from the panic and anticipation, he entered the house and I wrapped my arms around him.  I hugged him with the biggest bear hug.  Oh how I missed this feeling of being cared for.  After we got to talking, I had noticed that he was the same person he used to be, except not.  And this was a good thing.  He exercises, works 70 hours a week, and cooks breakfast for his parents!  What a sweetheart.  Anyways, so we hungout and didn’t even kiss.  After that, we had continued texting and Facebooking each other.

This past weekend, I invited Mr. X back over to cook him dinner and have some delicious craft beers.  Two Hearted Ale from Bell’s Brewery in Comstock, MI.  Try it.  I didn’t even get to cook him dinner because all we could do was smile and talk to each other.  I’ll spare the explicit details, but lets just say there were sparks.  Lots of sparks.  Like, lots, and lots, and lots of sparks.  Now, I’m sitting here confused.

Do I take the plunge and tell him exactly how I feel or should I just empty the sink and let bygones be bygones?

I’m going with taking the plunge.  I missed this feeling.  Even if it is just for a week, weekend, or a day, we can all agree that feeling wanted is the most amazing feeling ever (and all the amazing things he can do with his mouth).

So here I am, on the record saying that I am ready to jump back into the dating pool.  I want mysterious Mr. X, and I want him now.  In my arms, in my house, in my bed.  Anywhere really.  I just want him.

-B

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6 thoughts on “Not all that Glitters is Gold

  1. Recovering from abuse is such a difficult thing to do, especially paired with anxiety. Congratulations on coming out of that horror show stronger than you were before. 🙂

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